Words | jesusmaggot

Back from Niagara Falls Fear Fest 2013

Hello again my Children! It is the morning after an impressive two days at Niagara Fear Fest. My bones are aching, my brain is blurry and my appetite is finally returning. These are some of the common side effects of working a booth. Allow me to explain: As much as you may perceive being a vendor to be an easy job, it is far from it. You are constantly on your feet and yelling across the room to get people's attention and then hitting them with a hard sales pitch. Then you forget to eat because your brain forgets that you need nourishment. At this moment you realize you're stuck at the table until someone can relieve you. And some of these people do it all by themselves! Our booth buddy Victoria from Creeped Out (Check them out here www.creepedout.ca ) and Louis from Suspect Video ( www.suspectvideo.ca ) on the other side of us both did it solo. Every moment you're not at that table you are loosing money, so even a trip to the bathroom seems like a bad idea. And even with some help you still feel like a train wreck at the end of it. However, these annoyances bare very little on the scale, we are having the time of our lives! So................

A quick history of the Niagara Con from my perceptive. First off Skeeter and I visited it last year under the name of 'Macabrecon' which was a HUGE flop. In fact the whole Comic Con seemed beyond lame. There were very few vendors, the horror "section" was nothing but a joke and the guest list was... shall we say... underwhelming. Fast forward to Fan Expo when I was approached by James Ponce to be included in the Niagara Con. To say I was skeptical would be an understatement. But James laid forth a good pitch and I decided to take a chance on Him. And He and the other folks putting on the con came through in spades! The hall was bigger, more vendors, more big names and around 15,000 nerds, oddballs, scumbags, old people, babies and one imposter Jesus who I tore to shreds for being a pussy! Why a pussy? He wouldn't let me throw some blood on his head. Listen buddy, if you're going to dawn the crown of thorns you'd better be ready to take some guff! And if you can't take it then go the fuck home... or go cry in the corner! He was carry a plastic gun as well... I don't understand why. Kind of like the other imposter Jesus from Fan Expo a couple years back... again no blood, but this time, a bazooka... What the fuck?

This journey begins around noon on friday. Director/ Podcaster Anthony Mann (Terror of Dracula, The Ghostkeepers) was kind enough to give me a ride to the falls (Check out the podcast at www.horroretc.com ). We had met at Shock Stock in London a couple months before and decided to split a table. Turns out Anthony and I have quite similar tastes in film and humour, which is always a huge relief because oddly enough not everyone finds me funny! But that's their problem, not mine! So we are on the road and Anthony begins the podcast with an interview with yours truly. And I have to say Anthony knows His shit! This Mann (Knee slapper!) was made for interviewing people.

So we arrive at the con to load in. Within minutes we see Tom Savini checking out the Jason masks from a couple of the vendors. Which must have been a thrill for them as He seemed to approve! Further down the aisle was my booth buddies from Fan Expo selling their Shirt-O-Lanterns ( www.shirtolanterns.com ) and two of my favorite new ladies at Gift Crypt ( www.facebook.com/TheGiftCrypt ) with their delicious chocolate skulls and brains! Ohm nom nom nom nom. Seriously, check them out!

A 20 minute drive away in Fort Erie was where I was to stay with Skeeter and one of my favorite couples Sex & Deth (Lex and Beth). In fact Beth took over the table for a short while and made a few sales. She was so happy to get "Her cut". Brought together a certain convention, these amazing folks have quickly became two of my closest friends. Not to mention they have one of the cutest kids you'll ever meet! I spent about an hour playing "zombies" with him and am now kicking myself in the ass for not filming it. We could have made a really cute zombie film!

So it's Day one and I'll be honest, I have no idea what to expect. I had been bullshitting everyone saying how huge is was going to be, but to be fair I had serious doubts. Much to my amazement the line up was around the building and at one point they had to stop the flow of traffic! It took me the better part of an hour to get into it (I was a little rusty) but not too long after salesman Jesus took over. Word of advise, if you come to my table and don't buy anything, be ready to be mocked! Especially if you're wearing a Star Trek outfit! Trust me when I say you'll be way cooler wearing a Zombie Jesus vs robot Hitler shirt! And of course it wouldn't be right without a visit from Cannibal Cam! Although this time there was no mention of His penis.

Now the following will probably be out of sequence, my memory of events is cloudy at best. Meeting Paul Jones was fantastic. His display was guaranteed to turn heads. With 3 full skinless bodies hanging from above, it was pretty hard to miss! He was selling his zombie masks and I had no choice but to grab one and get him to sign it. Also a quick visit to our table from Kane Hodder, and then I'm waiting backstage for the bathroom and Adam West appears and tells me He is in awe of me. To which I responded, "Ya, I'm pretty awesome!". What else do you say to an old geezer? Apparently he had a meltdown that I missed where he freaked out and pouted in His golfcart. That I would love to have on film!

Now the first day to get into character, booth buddy Victoria smashed me in the face a few times to get the blood flowing (Other than that She is really nice, and extremely beautiful. Her smile can certainly light up a room). Thankfully the next day Linda-Marie Civichino volunteered to do some fake bruising and fake blood for me. She did a amazing job and did it in less than 10 minutes! If you ever need a gore-tastic make up artist you can find Her at www.darksunshine.ca under 'Living Dead Productions'.

Also involved was Steve Bellamy at 'The Devil's Latex' which specializes in Jason, Freddy, ect masks of the highest quality. The vast majority of which are sculpted by Bob Primeau. I've been meeting up with Steve at Cons for the last several years and I see yet another budding friendship evolving. Make sure to take a look at www.thedevilslatex.com

OK so let's backtrack a bit. The character of Jesus magGot began roughly 3 years ago at Fan Expo in Toronto. It was a joke and a stab at trying a gimmick. And it went over so well that I know sit before you today writing this piece of... well whatever this random brain droppings is. My very first time being interviewed was by Jason Agnew of The Conventioneers which played on Bite TV. I ran into Jason and His partner in crime Matt Chin only to find out that the show had been cancelled. But this is not stopping these fine young gentlemen. In fact they are asking the fans for help to independently fund a new show called 'The Convention Crashers'. I implore you to check out www.concrasherstv.com and support their indiegogo campaign. They have some great incentives to check out, including being a co host for a day!

And finally I have to give a shout out to most recent favorite author/ film maker Gregory Lamberson. Greg is responsible for such classic cult films as Slime City and it's sequel Slime City Massacre. What many may not know is that he is a proficient author. He has created a character named Jake Helman who has become my new favorite detective. In the Jake Helman files which now spans 4 books (A fifth is on it's way) Lamberson mixes classic horror with Christian mythology and conspiracy theory without being cheesy. Which is not an easy thing to accomplish. Just read 'Cosmic Forces' to see what I mean! You can reach him on facebook and through His website www.slimeguy.com

So the weekend comes to a close. Anthony and I pack up and hit the road with a quick stop for some Chinese food. Upon reaching my dwelling we concluded the pod cast in my backyard beneath the grapevines. I can't thank Him enough for the help. And you can be sure to see a collaboration between us in the future.

Now I realize that this may seem to be nothing more than a multi promo open letter. However I can't help but mention these folks as I've been blown away either by their craft, passion and/ or friendship. I fall in love with so many of these folks. Outsiders view us as if something is wrong with our heads. I couldn't disagree more. This is a group of loving, caring individuals who for the most part have each others backs. And let's be honest, we're fighting the big corporate machine for sales and publicity, and the best way to fight is to join forces and take them head on as a community. And you can help! Support the independents by visiting our booths and websites, grabbing some of our merch, or simply telling people about us. YOU ARE part of our community! And we know damn well that we can't do it without you!

When I finally got around to checking my email, the first message I received was from two new fans, Katie and Niki who received one of my short film collections. Reading their kind words was the greatest way to keep motivated. We pour our blood, sweat and tears into our art and sometimes we lose sight of why we do what we do. It's fan mail like the one I received from these lovely ladies that helps bring a smile to our stressed out lives.

So again a big shout out to James Ponce and everyone else who put on the Con. You exceeded all expectations. And of course everyone who popped by the table regardless if you bought something or not. Except for the imposter Jesus... Na! I'll be happy to rip Him a new one again! Hopefully this time He has a comeback!

-Jesus magGot

PS My apologies to all the people I forgot to mention. My 2000 year old brain can only maintain so much these days.

Memories Of Shock Stock 2013

Every year now the magGots descend upon London, Ontario for Canada's only real Horror/ Exploitation Convention: Shock Stock, put on by the scum of London themselves James Bialkowski and Jake Grimbo. Now I hear you "But Jesus we have the Festival of Fear every August", while this is true FOF is NOT a Horror/ Exploitation con. It sucks the cock of Hobby Star and mixes it in with Anime, Comic, Gaming and those Star Trek/ Wars nerds whom I pick on to the point of tears. FOF or as I simply call it now Fan Expo is strictly a cash grab. It's over crowded, over sold and NOT run by fans.

Enter Shock Stock in 2011. Run for the fans, by the fans, and at great expense financially, mentally and physically for James and Jake. These guys have ran their asses off to make these truly memorable experiences and I can't thank them enough. Running a Convention is not by any stretch an easy thing to pull off, but these boys have come through in spades every year. I've laughed, screamed and last year during a live performance by Goblin (Yes that Goblin!) cried along with the rest of the crowd.

This year was no different. Arriving early I met up with Rocco and the Monsters of Schlock and we traveled to the 488. This was my introduction to The Great Orbax and Sweet Pepper Klopek, two very eccentric sideshow performers from Guelph and Niagara Falls respectively. It was also my introduction to Dope Nuts! After watching Orbax use his thumb to tear open a hole in the side of a beer can, watching it spray everywhere and then Rocco shotgunning it, I knew I was in good company. We then headed off to Centennial Hall, and this is where one of dreams came true almost immediately.

As I turned the corner and enter the Convention hall there is the most beautiful creature to ever grace this earth... Christina Lindberg. She approaches me, asks for a picture and gives me a hug! Could things start off any better?! They day continues with meeting up with my buddy Torin Langen whom seems to have some sort of magGot infatuation, (and we love Him for it!) He screened His short "Fondue" the following day. He's a very talented kid who's potential can already be seen at the young age of 19. Be sure to look Him up!

And so it goes on with catching up with our friends from the previous years and then it was back to the 488(I know I missed a lot there, it's very hazy). Joining us was the legendary Maurizio Gaurini famously known as a prominent member of Goblin. After some more dope nuts Ryan O'Neil took to the drums, I picked up a guitar and Maurizio picked up a bass! Yes that's right Jesus got to jam with Maurizio! Yet another moment I will remember for the rest of my life.

Day 2 has now begun. My first order of business was interviewing Santa, otherwise known as Sal Lizard, outside with his Santamobile. We discussed His new book "Being Santa" and his love of Canadian women. This is not your average Santa, this one is very, very naughty. And He'll be the first to tell you! After Santa was cult figure Joel M Reed director of Blood Thirsty Freaks. Whom seemed more interested in interviewing me than me interviewing him. Shortly there after Myself, Joel, magGot and Ryan busted into the middle of Naomi Grossman's Q&A (Much to Her surprise) and Joel gave the lowdown on His upcoming project. He then won over the crowd with his ideas and how He felt London was the perfect setting for such filth. Indeed it is!

More mingling ensued, including another visit to those dicks who killed me last year Sinister Labs. Leigh and Larry again showed off their amazing creations, and then in a continuation of last year I was abused by Scary Miss Mary. This was followed by meeting the ever so beautiful Lynn Lowery and ending with a hazardous hallway interview with The Monsters Of Schlock. This may have been my hardest interview thus far as I could not keep it together. I also moronically forgot to press record on the audio device... Goddammit Jesus. Look for them on youtube doing everything from setting off mousetraps on Peppers tongue (He holds the world record for most mousetraps released on a tongue in a minute) as well being the first person tattooed on a moving roller coaster.

Later that evening was the 1209 hotel party. Here I got some one on one time with Filmmaker Anthony Mann, got a nice view of Jake's ass and joined in on a round of applause for the Security guy! In fact the folks at the Station Park Inn have been very accommodating to our lunacy these last several years and have been very supportive of Shock Stock. If you're staying in London this is the place to go! On the wall next to the elevator are signed photos of past and present quests. Everyone from Bobby Rhodes to Dyanne Thorne to Christina Lindberg, their eyes watching over you as you enter the elevator. And I will again apologize for getting blood on the pillows. They always know which room I stayed in!

Day 3 as per usual shows a bunch of worn out people, still having a blast, but with far more bloodshot eyes and off balance walking. Also another Shock Stock birthday for our very own Lisa "Kickass" Hamilton! Such perfect timing. Now as I'm talking to Christina and Rickard I again realized another major difference between Shock Stock and Fan Expo, unlike Fan Expo (or any large multi con for that matter), here all the guests are completely accessible. There are no huge line ups followed by being rushed to keep the line moving. You don't feel like a heard of cows. You can take the time to talk and quite often hang out afterwords.

However back to day 3! Now the real standout thing to me about Sunday was getting to know Tommy Pistol. This guy may be the very definition of a sweetheart and just by talking to him you'd have no idea the movies He's been in. Tommy works in the Adult industry doing porn versions of classic horror films like "XXXorcist" and "Evil Head" and has now put out his directorial non-porn debut "The Gruesome Death of Tommy Pistol". We shot a promo in the bathroom which will be available to check out very soon!

The XXX factor continued when my Booth Buddy Angelina Leigh performed fellatio on a pepperette which sat ever so neatly between her voluptuous breasts and then feed it to me. I do enjoy titty meat... which I guess would be "teat"! In fact our Booth Buddies on all sides were again fabulous. Behinds us were old friends Adam and Jen and on my left I was given "Last Supper After Dinner Mints" which will go nicely beside my other tin for Jesus band aids!

Now after 3 days of pure bliss I have one final surprise to top it all off... A 2 hour ride home with Maurizio! 2 hours of discussing our love of music & technology and after He dropped me off feeling completely inspired. And then I realized I had left my phone in His car. So as of writing this my phone is now about an hour away, however I'm still not stressed about it. In fact I think it's a perfect way to end this tale. The phone could be gone forever (It's not, but you know what I'm saying) but the memory of losing my phone in Maurizio's car will last a lifetime. As well as jamming with Maurizio, chatting with Christina & Rickard, chilling with the Great Orbax and Pepper, taking Naomi Grossman's audience hostage with Joel Reed, as well as future collaborators, my great friends from years past and my new friends whom I'm excited to see in the years to come. And of course... Dope Nuts!

And none of this would have been possible had it not been for the stupid amount of hard work from James, Jake and their crew. Now I know I'm expected to make a joke at this point, however I feel the boys deserve to be treated seriously for a moment. People always talk about doing a show like this but James and Jake are two of the few to actually pull it off. And for that I thank you both from the bottom of my magGot infested heart. Your hard work and dedication has not gone unnoticed. You're not just putting on a Convention, you Scumbags are making people's dreams come true and giving them memories that in their darkest hours can help sooth their sorrows.

-Jesus magGot

Back from Niagara Falls Fear Fest 2013

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-Jesus magGot